tired...

Had the longest lunch and lobster rolls with a North Carolinan/Australian women just jabbering on about the impossibility of the work load, everything we've overextended ourselves with, men, Sri Lanka and the identity, what in the world are we going to do with ourselves when we grow up, fear of failure, ethics classes and their abysmal structure, Hausmann the Dream, and all other sorts of things. I overslept today and missed yet another class (total so far in two weeks; five- I think I hold the record or something).

Had a fellowship meeting last night where an ex Harvard MBA alum came to talk on the importance of the role of the COO in nonprofit groups and the traditional tensions between the visionary founder and the COO/implementer. It was kind of interesting, but very US-centric as these things are. And then a couple of friends and I decided that it was the night for brandy, so we holed up in Casablanca and drank Glenfiddich, Glenmorangie and some VSOP Armagnac. And then I sauntered home and had a house pow-wow on men and how many physicians it takes per 100,000 people to not make a difference anymore in life expectancy and Denzel Washington, who as y'all know, is so FINE.

I am exhausted.

work

So. I went out for dinner last night and tonight with someone I shouldn't have gone out to dinner with, but oh well, disaster here I come. You and I, are ships that collide in the night. Up till 4am last night writing a paper on bioethics, specifically the ethics regarding stem-cell research and embryonic transactions (covering cloning as well as IVF treatment). Then up till 2am tonight graphing regressions and fitted lines on life expectancy and mortality rates and all that biz. Met an Uzbek who hates Karimov (what's new). And another Singaporean guy who was simply lovely. And now I'm tired and pondering my life. Had an interesting class today on leadership and the delivery of political goods essential to the functioning life of a newly transitioned democratic country (assuming no conflict)- comprising economic opportunity, political opportunity, the arteries of commerce, empowerment of civil society, rule of law, and 3 others, which I can't remember. And then the Defense Minister from India was in town and some questions on the violence in Sri Lanka and India's role in mediation was asked and he said: " We respect the territorial integrity of Sri Lanka and want the LTTE to give up violence and come to the table. We have learned from our bitter experiences in the 80s.". Spent the weekend U-hauling furniture from different parts of Boston off craigslist- finally it is all complete and the house is a home. Had an interview on Friday, which I bombed too, on corporate social responsibility and corporations as development agents; opportunities and development needs. He assumed I was familiar with the literature, well, sadly, I wanted to tell him, I have spent the last 2 years in Sri Lanka or thereabouts and it is not quite on the radar there.

I am very upset that i have not read a book in over 3 weeks.

hmmm

Another day has vanished quickly. Of note was that today someone played a joke and told me that Morgan Freeman was attending the Kennedy School on the MC MPA program. And then I turned around and I saw him!!! Only later on did I realize that it was a joke and in fact it was his unconscious twin and stuff. This guy must really enjoy a lot of glory by association or something.

I have an interview on Friday. It's for a part-time nonprofit consulting job. I haven't had an interview for like a million (read four) years! This is crazy. And someone hounded me today to organize a social enterprise conference which I succumbed to because he was so persistent. SERIOUSLY. I am so behind with work, with novels, with friends, and what the hell am I doing signing up left right and center, and whoring my email address? What I really miss at the moment is just random boring stuff from Sri Lanka. I fantasized in the cold today walking to school, of turning a corner and seeing a coconut stand or a cow or a trishaw driver.

I need to get a grip.

ethics

I had Ethics yesterday. The professor is a crone, who was around dictating the Bible to Johann Gutenberg. The topic was basically the limits of free speech under the American constitution. She's a professor of philosophy by the way.

"So what happens if I say: go fuck yourself? Oh wait, that doesn't mean anything anymore right? What if I say "Go SUCK yourself" Or tell you that you're a motherfuckin' ass-licker? What if I go around sticking my middle finger up at everyone (and she proceeded to do exactly that).

I could only watch, while a line from Bogart kept reverberating in my head.

"You've got class, kid. With a capital K".

God bless America.

classes

It's like barely the second week of full-on classes and I'm already overwhelmed. I've had no time to email any friends properly or call anyone. The emergency calls keep on coming though: a new baby being born, a cousin asking about the death of his father, a sister stuck in Nepal. That's about it on the personal side.

Having never lived with a dishwasher, I keep loading my clothes in the laundry with DISHWASHER detergent. I only found out today that it was not meant to be so. I keep meeting the random-est people ever. I have no time for the friends that I HAVE made. There's endless reading (like 300 pages EVERY day) and the homework tide has started to turn. It's not difficult (yet) but just time-consuming. I am still sleeping on a mattress on the floor (a vast improvement from the actual floor itself) because I haven't had time to fix the bed. Or a bookcase. Two UPS boxes are over the Atlantic somewhere. My room looks like a nuclear bomb went off on it. So what did I do? Instead of addressing any or all of the above problems, I ended up having a random lunch with some guys today, then going shopping and blowing 300 dollars on clothes, then watching 3 episodes of Grey's Anatomy, then chatting with room-mates about boys, then thinking about business school applications, then just stoning for an even longer time. Thusly, 10 hours passes by. and I have to wake up at 7am tomorrow.

I've already started skipping classes and definitely am nowhere yet on the homework pile but the good thing is that I actually don't care about grades here. Anyway, this is a short dispatch from the front. talk soon,

the cod

I'm in Cape Cod at this absolutely swish place, I haven't had such luxury in a VERY long time. It's a scholar's retreat and really started off with a bang. So many people here have done such amazing things, but it seems like this gang is really special and really humble. You can already see a marked difference between the public service crowd and the business school crowd. The business school crowd is sharper, ruthless, and focused. The public service crowd is happy, warm and all over the place.

We had to do two case studies this afternoon, talking about the ethics of leadership. I had to re-read Martin Luther King's Letter from a Birmingham Jail and it was really rather moving. I quote below...

"I have traveled the length and breadth of Alabama, Mississippi and all the other Southern States. On sweltering summer days and crisp autumn mornings I have looked at the South's beautiful churches with their lofty spires pointing heavenward. I have eheld the impressive outlines of her massive religious-education buildings. Over and over I have found myself asking: "What kind of people worship here? Who is their God? Where were their voices when the lips of Governot Barnett dripeed with words of interposition and nullification? Where were they when Governor Wallace gave a clarion call for defiance and hatred? Where were their voices of support when bruised and weary Negro men and women decided to rise from the dark dungeons of compacency to the bright hills of creative protest?".... Shallow understanding from people of good will is more frustrating than absolute misunderstanding from people of ill will. Lukewarm acceptance is much more bewildering than outright rejection".

Strange Fruit by Billie Holiday

Southern trees bear strange fruit,
Blood on the leaves and blood at the root,
Black bodies swinging in the southern breeze,
Strange fruit hanging from the poplar trees.

Pastoral scene of the gallant south,
The bulging eyes and the twisted mouth,
Scent of magnolias, sweet and fresh,
Then the sudden smell of burning flesh.

Here is fruit for the crows to pluck,
For the rain to gather, for the wind to suck,
For the sun to rot, for the trees to drop,
Here is a strange and bitter crop.

Stilt Fishermen

Stilt Fishermen by me.

Seer fish affixed in a constellation
Mouths agape, hung trembling as
Rubies grew in Indra's net. Eyes of coconut milk
What did they see?

Blood glinted in the blueness of dawn
Uneven jakwood stick as the axis of stars
Splinters smoothed by the
Burnish of sun-blackened skin
Perched eagle-like, still above
While the waters roiled

The eye gazed unseeing
Then a swift jerk, a twist
And milk flooded more eyes
And jewels crashed and bled
Indra surveyed the world
What did he see?

As the vision faded
And the rubies grew
In the silence of a Galle dawn.

"Hinduism and Buddhism give life to the idea of Indra's Net. In the heaven of Indra, a vast net or web of silken strands spans across space infinitely in every direction. Every intersection of gossamer thread hosts a shining luminous pearl or multifaceted jewel. The surface of every jewel completely reflects every other, and the net as a whole. Likewise, each reflected jewel in itself reflects every other, that reflects every other, that reflects every other, without end, as mirrors to infinity." By Wikipedia

more

So the week, the first week, the marathon is nearly over. I have a retreat to go to in Cape Cod where the weekend will be spent meeting many more new people on the fellowship and having a good yarn, but I had an excellent dinner with a friend and her fiance this week which really did make me feel better about the whole thing and we talked about the problems of indigenous communities in Australia and the wonderful, charismatic Nolan Pearson. and then i shared with them "The Theory of a Good Novel" (my five pronged analysis) which they were charmingly impressed with and we had endless wine and exactly more of the discussions which made me realize why I was at policy school and nowhere else.

And then I skipped some classes to really do nothing ostensibly which is rather bad. It's only the first week but, somehow I just wanted to get out. I haven't left Cambridge this week which is especially bad. Today however I bumped into the most random person, an ex-Morgan Stanleyite which really made me feel that this world is far too small. I also met two other Singaporeans both of whom seem really rather lovely. So, this makes it almost two and a half weeks that I have been at school already and I definitely feel like I have yet to settle down. But I will get there.

And that was it really.

life

An anecdote from a course entitled "Running for Office" or something like that. The instructor is a veteran campaign manager and he was talking about the sleaziness of politics and stuff. For example during a live radio address by a gubernatorial candidate, he planted a question and the guy got up and asked "So, X, do you agree with President Jose Cuervo's assessment that his country Mexico needs to liberalize its trade policies?" and she said Yes! And then this guy said, I don't know what Jose Cuervo would say, but it's a brand of tequila, and she got slammed on being ignorant about foreign policy.

Ricardo Hausmann on the developing world : The rich get richer and the poor get children". "There are three paradigms of thought on development"
a. God is in control (and all problems of the developing world are moral failures and failures of discipline. Listen to the angels/preachers (IMF, World Bank and Washington Consensus) and all will be well (except when it's not).
b. There is evil in the world (e.g. corporations )
c. God is dead (or otherwise busy) and we don't have all the answers but we keep on trying to find a framework or theory to fit the facts and don't try to fit the facts to our theory.

Most economists, regarding development, follow the Theory of Original Sin (which according to him goes thus: Somebody ate an apple and now women have pain when they give birth). (This view also caused outrage).

and then I met someone from Sri Lanka and instantly hit it off and had a very emotional discussion about Sri Lanka with both of us tearing I think, at least i was and it was all rather strange and wonderful for that was exactly what I had imagined graduate school to be, to have someone to discuss the issues with.

school

Well. *heaving massive sigh*.

It's been two weeks since I washed up at the shores of policy school. I've spent the last two weeks obsessively shaking hands, trying valiantly to commit names to memory and generally being awed, bewildered and nostalgic. I've made some friends which is always nice, connected up with others, tried to set up house (which has been a major endeavour), tried and failed at doing anything else.

Classes started yesterday, I mean shopping started yesterday and full-on classes start tomorrow. I've looked in on courses with ex-presidential advisers and communications directors, internationally renowned trade economists, and met with students with vast experience, from civil advocacy in Iraq, to managing indigenous affairs in Australia, to Sudanese civil war arbitrators, to campaign advisers, full-on conservative Mormons, Ausralian local mayors and the whole gamut in between. What has been pleasantly surprising is that the vast majority of students are humble, engaging, kind and committed to public service and poverty.

It's all been a planet and a universe away from Sri Lanka. And I haven't had any time nor any calling cards to call friends and family often yet. The time difference is unforgiving too. I am more and more interested in writing. The early wake-ups have been a major shock to the system as has been the cold. Apparently last year on Oct 1st was when the winter coats were all busted out. I have fantastic, kind, non-anal housemates. The parties have been mild so far, but I reckon it's only a matter of time. There are many people here with as confused identities as me too which is always reassuring. And I'm going to definitely apply to business school too.

I will check in again but the wave is about to crest (and no doubt crash).