tired...

Had the longest lunch and lobster rolls with a North Carolinan/Australian women just jabbering on about the impossibility of the work load, everything we've overextended ourselves with, men, Sri Lanka and the identity, what in the world are we going to do with ourselves when we grow up, fear of failure, ethics classes and their abysmal structure, Hausmann the Dream, and all other sorts of things. I overslept today and missed yet another class (total so far in two weeks; five- I think I hold the record or something).

Had a fellowship meeting last night where an ex Harvard MBA alum came to talk on the importance of the role of the COO in nonprofit groups and the traditional tensions between the visionary founder and the COO/implementer. It was kind of interesting, but very US-centric as these things are. And then a couple of friends and I decided that it was the night for brandy, so we holed up in Casablanca and drank Glenfiddich, Glenmorangie and some VSOP Armagnac. And then I sauntered home and had a house pow-wow on men and how many physicians it takes per 100,000 people to not make a difference anymore in life expectancy and Denzel Washington, who as y'all know, is so FINE.

I am exhausted.

work

So. I went out for dinner last night and tonight with someone I shouldn't have gone out to dinner with, but oh well, disaster here I come. You and I, are ships that collide in the night. Up till 4am last night writing a paper on bioethics, specifically the ethics regarding stem-cell research and embryonic transactions (covering cloning as well as IVF treatment). Then up till 2am tonight graphing regressions and fitted lines on life expectancy and mortality rates and all that biz. Met an Uzbek who hates Karimov (what's new). And another Singaporean guy who was simply lovely. And now I'm tired and pondering my life. Had an interesting class today on leadership and the delivery of political goods essential to the functioning life of a newly transitioned democratic country (assuming no conflict)- comprising economic opportunity, political opportunity, the arteries of commerce, empowerment of civil society, rule of law, and 3 others, which I can't remember. And then the Defense Minister from India was in town and some questions on the violence in Sri Lanka and India's role in mediation was asked and he said: " We respect the territorial integrity of Sri Lanka and want the LTTE to give up violence and come to the table. We have learned from our bitter experiences in the 80s.". Spent the weekend U-hauling furniture from different parts of Boston off craigslist- finally it is all complete and the house is a home. Had an interview on Friday, which I bombed too, on corporate social responsibility and corporations as development agents; opportunities and development needs. He assumed I was familiar with the literature, well, sadly, I wanted to tell him, I have spent the last 2 years in Sri Lanka or thereabouts and it is not quite on the radar there.

I am very upset that i have not read a book in over 3 weeks.

hmmm

Another day has vanished quickly. Of note was that today someone played a joke and told me that Morgan Freeman was attending the Kennedy School on the MC MPA program. And then I turned around and I saw him!!! Only later on did I realize that it was a joke and in fact it was his unconscious twin and stuff. This guy must really enjoy a lot of glory by association or something.

I have an interview on Friday. It's for a part-time nonprofit consulting job. I haven't had an interview for like a million (read four) years! This is crazy. And someone hounded me today to organize a social enterprise conference which I succumbed to because he was so persistent. SERIOUSLY. I am so behind with work, with novels, with friends, and what the hell am I doing signing up left right and center, and whoring my email address? What I really miss at the moment is just random boring stuff from Sri Lanka. I fantasized in the cold today walking to school, of turning a corner and seeing a coconut stand or a cow or a trishaw driver.

I need to get a grip.

ethics

I had Ethics yesterday. The professor is a crone, who was around dictating the Bible to Johann Gutenberg. The topic was basically the limits of free speech under the American constitution. She's a professor of philosophy by the way.

"So what happens if I say: go fuck yourself? Oh wait, that doesn't mean anything anymore right? What if I say "Go SUCK yourself" Or tell you that you're a motherfuckin' ass-licker? What if I go around sticking my middle finger up at everyone (and she proceeded to do exactly that).

I could only watch, while a line from Bogart kept reverberating in my head.

"You've got class, kid. With a capital K".

God bless America.

classes

It's like barely the second week of full-on classes and I'm already overwhelmed. I've had no time to email any friends properly or call anyone. The emergency calls keep on coming though: a new baby being born, a cousin asking about the death of his father, a sister stuck in Nepal. That's about it on the personal side.

Having never lived with a dishwasher, I keep loading my clothes in the laundry with DISHWASHER detergent. I only found out today that it was not meant to be so. I keep meeting the random-est people ever. I have no time for the friends that I HAVE made. There's endless reading (like 300 pages EVERY day) and the homework tide has started to turn. It's not difficult (yet) but just time-consuming. I am still sleeping on a mattress on the floor (a vast improvement from the actual floor itself) because I haven't had time to fix the bed. Or a bookcase. Two UPS boxes are over the Atlantic somewhere. My room looks like a nuclear bomb went off on it. So what did I do? Instead of addressing any or all of the above problems, I ended up having a random lunch with some guys today, then going shopping and blowing 300 dollars on clothes, then watching 3 episodes of Grey's Anatomy, then chatting with room-mates about boys, then thinking about business school applications, then just stoning for an even longer time. Thusly, 10 hours passes by. and I have to wake up at 7am tomorrow.

I've already started skipping classes and definitely am nowhere yet on the homework pile but the good thing is that I actually don't care about grades here. Anyway, this is a short dispatch from the front. talk soon,

the cod

I'm in Cape Cod at this absolutely swish place, I haven't had such luxury in a VERY long time. It's a scholar's retreat and really started off with a bang. So many people here have done such amazing things, but it seems like this gang is really special and really humble. You can already see a marked difference between the public service crowd and the business school crowd. The business school crowd is sharper, ruthless, and focused. The public service crowd is happy, warm and all over the place.

We had to do two case studies this afternoon, talking about the ethics of leadership. I had to re-read Martin Luther King's Letter from a Birmingham Jail and it was really rather moving. I quote below...

"I have traveled the length and breadth of Alabama, Mississippi and all the other Southern States. On sweltering summer days and crisp autumn mornings I have looked at the South's beautiful churches with their lofty spires pointing heavenward. I have eheld the impressive outlines of her massive religious-education buildings. Over and over I have found myself asking: "What kind of people worship here? Who is their God? Where were their voices when the lips of Governot Barnett dripeed with words of interposition and nullification? Where were they when Governor Wallace gave a clarion call for defiance and hatred? Where were their voices of support when bruised and weary Negro men and women decided to rise from the dark dungeons of compacency to the bright hills of creative protest?".... Shallow understanding from people of good will is more frustrating than absolute misunderstanding from people of ill will. Lukewarm acceptance is much more bewildering than outright rejection".

Strange Fruit by Billie Holiday

Southern trees bear strange fruit,
Blood on the leaves and blood at the root,
Black bodies swinging in the southern breeze,
Strange fruit hanging from the poplar trees.

Pastoral scene of the gallant south,
The bulging eyes and the twisted mouth,
Scent of magnolias, sweet and fresh,
Then the sudden smell of burning flesh.

Here is fruit for the crows to pluck,
For the rain to gather, for the wind to suck,
For the sun to rot, for the trees to drop,
Here is a strange and bitter crop.

Stilt Fishermen

Stilt Fishermen by me.

Seer fish affixed in a constellation
Mouths agape, hung trembling as
Rubies grew in Indra's net. Eyes of coconut milk
What did they see?

Blood glinted in the blueness of dawn
Uneven jakwood stick as the axis of stars
Splinters smoothed by the
Burnish of sun-blackened skin
Perched eagle-like, still above
While the waters roiled

The eye gazed unseeing
Then a swift jerk, a twist
And milk flooded more eyes
And jewels crashed and bled
Indra surveyed the world
What did he see?

As the vision faded
And the rubies grew
In the silence of a Galle dawn.

"Hinduism and Buddhism give life to the idea of Indra's Net. In the heaven of Indra, a vast net or web of silken strands spans across space infinitely in every direction. Every intersection of gossamer thread hosts a shining luminous pearl or multifaceted jewel. The surface of every jewel completely reflects every other, and the net as a whole. Likewise, each reflected jewel in itself reflects every other, that reflects every other, that reflects every other, without end, as mirrors to infinity." By Wikipedia

more

So the week, the first week, the marathon is nearly over. I have a retreat to go to in Cape Cod where the weekend will be spent meeting many more new people on the fellowship and having a good yarn, but I had an excellent dinner with a friend and her fiance this week which really did make me feel better about the whole thing and we talked about the problems of indigenous communities in Australia and the wonderful, charismatic Nolan Pearson. and then i shared with them "The Theory of a Good Novel" (my five pronged analysis) which they were charmingly impressed with and we had endless wine and exactly more of the discussions which made me realize why I was at policy school and nowhere else.

And then I skipped some classes to really do nothing ostensibly which is rather bad. It's only the first week but, somehow I just wanted to get out. I haven't left Cambridge this week which is especially bad. Today however I bumped into the most random person, an ex-Morgan Stanleyite which really made me feel that this world is far too small. I also met two other Singaporeans both of whom seem really rather lovely. So, this makes it almost two and a half weeks that I have been at school already and I definitely feel like I have yet to settle down. But I will get there.

And that was it really.

life

An anecdote from a course entitled "Running for Office" or something like that. The instructor is a veteran campaign manager and he was talking about the sleaziness of politics and stuff. For example during a live radio address by a gubernatorial candidate, he planted a question and the guy got up and asked "So, X, do you agree with President Jose Cuervo's assessment that his country Mexico needs to liberalize its trade policies?" and she said Yes! And then this guy said, I don't know what Jose Cuervo would say, but it's a brand of tequila, and she got slammed on being ignorant about foreign policy.

Ricardo Hausmann on the developing world : The rich get richer and the poor get children". "There are three paradigms of thought on development"
a. God is in control (and all problems of the developing world are moral failures and failures of discipline. Listen to the angels/preachers (IMF, World Bank and Washington Consensus) and all will be well (except when it's not).
b. There is evil in the world (e.g. corporations )
c. God is dead (or otherwise busy) and we don't have all the answers but we keep on trying to find a framework or theory to fit the facts and don't try to fit the facts to our theory.

Most economists, regarding development, follow the Theory of Original Sin (which according to him goes thus: Somebody ate an apple and now women have pain when they give birth). (This view also caused outrage).

and then I met someone from Sri Lanka and instantly hit it off and had a very emotional discussion about Sri Lanka with both of us tearing I think, at least i was and it was all rather strange and wonderful for that was exactly what I had imagined graduate school to be, to have someone to discuss the issues with.

school

Well. *heaving massive sigh*.

It's been two weeks since I washed up at the shores of policy school. I've spent the last two weeks obsessively shaking hands, trying valiantly to commit names to memory and generally being awed, bewildered and nostalgic. I've made some friends which is always nice, connected up with others, tried to set up house (which has been a major endeavour), tried and failed at doing anything else.

Classes started yesterday, I mean shopping started yesterday and full-on classes start tomorrow. I've looked in on courses with ex-presidential advisers and communications directors, internationally renowned trade economists, and met with students with vast experience, from civil advocacy in Iraq, to managing indigenous affairs in Australia, to Sudanese civil war arbitrators, to campaign advisers, full-on conservative Mormons, Ausralian local mayors and the whole gamut in between. What has been pleasantly surprising is that the vast majority of students are humble, engaging, kind and committed to public service and poverty.

It's all been a planet and a universe away from Sri Lanka. And I haven't had any time nor any calling cards to call friends and family often yet. The time difference is unforgiving too. I am more and more interested in writing. The early wake-ups have been a major shock to the system as has been the cold. Apparently last year on Oct 1st was when the winter coats were all busted out. I have fantastic, kind, non-anal housemates. The parties have been mild so far, but I reckon it's only a matter of time. There are many people here with as confused identities as me too which is always reassuring. And I'm going to definitely apply to business school too.

I will check in again but the wave is about to crest (and no doubt crash).

square

So my sister finally arrived and today we ventured into Harvard Square. It was strange. People here talk too much and really have not very much to say. First we spent some time in the local Social Security Office trying vainly to get a Social Service Number without which I can't get a credit card or a million other useful things. We failed, albeit temporarily. Then into Harvard Square where I successfully opened a Bank of America bank account. Then to T-Mobile where I successfully got a phone. Both these will be activated tomorrow. Then to the International Office to register my 'alien' presence. Then to Finale, a dessert place apparently opened by a Harvard MBA student. Then we carried our sorry asses back home and fell gasping onto bed when Cyann (the dumbest cat on the planet) decided to jump up onto my ass and circle around a few times and flop down contentedly. And now I'm watching Grey's Anatomy. All in all a useless but somewhat accomplished day. also food sizes here are huge. Also I am missing Sri Lanka.

a-may-rica

so I'm in Boston after long last. Arrived yesterday morning, after the flight was delayed by 4 hours. Then I got into a dodgy cab that ended up picking up 5 more people and after driving around for 2 hours, I finally got into the apartment that I am to be spending the next week in before I move into my place which is finally available on the Sep 1st. Anyhow there was a small detail that my interim landlord forgot to mention to me: She has a CAT!!! Aaarghh. I HATE CATS. And cats hate me. This one, with some stupid pretentious name called Cyann arches her back and hisses at me everytime we cross paths. She has reserved the futon in the living room for herself and the amount of hair she sheds could keep the local wig company in business forever! Anyway. Then I discovered that plugs here are different which I should have known but failed to pre-empt. Down to the local Radio Shack, then to the co-op farmers market which was the first destination that I saw a green leaf in sight. Have you ever walked into an American supermarket? They're full of synthesized chemical shit. I didn't see anything natural for two blocks (inside Walgreens, 7-11s etc.) until this one. I got goat's cheese brie and organic bread. Had some random conversations with storesmen who asked me about my accent. (to save a lot of trouble, and also because it's infinitely cooler, I told them I was British!). alright. Am eagerly awaiting the arrival of my sister in a few hours who will make sense of this bewildering country.

a-may-rica

so I'm in Boston after long last. Arrived yesterday morning, after the flight was delayed by 4 hours. Then I got into a dodgy cab that ended up picking up 5 more people and after driving around for 2 hours, I finally got into the apartment that I am to be spending the next week in before I move into my place which is finally available on the Sep 1st. Anyhow there was a small detail that my interim landlord forgot to mention to me: She has a CAT!!! Aaarghh. I HATE CATS. And cats hate me. This one, with some stupid pretentious name called Cyann arches her back and hisses at me everytime we cross paths. She has reserved the futon in the living room for herself and the amount of hair she sheds could keep the local wig company in business forever! Anyway. Then I discovered that plugs here are different which I should have known but failed to pre-empt. Down to the local Radio Shack, then to the co-op farmers market which was the first destination that I saw a green leaf in sight. Have you ever walked into an American supermarket? They're full of synthesized chemical shit. I didn't see anything natural for two blocks (inside Walgreens, 7-11s etc.) until this one. I got goat's cheese brie and organic bread. Had some random conversations with storesmen who asked me about my accent. (to save a lot of trouble, and also because it's infinitely cooler, I told them I was British!). alright. Am eagerly awaiting the arrival of my sister in a few hours who will make sense of this bewildering country.

khayyam

The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ,
Moves on: nor all your Piety nor Wit
Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line,
Nor all your Tears wash out a Word of it

- from the Rubaiyyat by Omar Khayyam

iran again

x60

I'm stuck in Heathrow while my flight is delayed by 3 and a half hours. Instead of bellyaching, I shall extoll the particular virtues of my current laptop, the IBM X60. It weighs about 1.5 kg, about just more than half my previous clunker at 2.2 kg. It also, joy of joys, has a 6-8 hour battery lifespan when using wireless. This is not just a ludicrous claim, my previous Toshiba advertized a brilliant 4-5 hour lifespan, but in reality clocked in at just over 2 hours. In addition to being light, durable and enduring, it also has some great specs, 1.83 Hz Core Duo of course and a stonking 1.5 RAM (YEAH). Things that used to take me 16 mins to download previously, now take 40 secs. That's some serious computing power advance. And it has a TFT screen instead of the SuperBrite screen that comes on so many laptops and causes eye strain. Finally and wonderfully it has a 3 year international warranty. The only drawback is that it is not exactly easy on the eye. IBM has the same standard design on all its laptops, black magnesium alloy casing. But I'll survive that. Prepare for some extensive blogging over the next 5 hours.

Miami Vice

Just watched Miami Vice and I'm strangely compelled to blog about it. The movie was bizarre, unsettling, sad even when it was supposed to be a stupid action flick!!! But then again, since the director was Michael Mann (of Collateral and notably Heat), it's not that surprising. Much has been said about the movie, but I adore A.O. Scott from the New York Times, a movie critic whom I read as faithfully as Michiko Kakutani, Tina Brown, Cary Tennis, Julie Burchill, Lucy Kellaway and Sathnam Sanghera (newspaper(wo)men). I quote: "This was not a job that anyone needed to do, but then again no one could have done it better". He also cites the fact that the entire reported production cost of the film was 50 mil more than the annual operating budget of the Miami PD. Hmm. Interesting. However I write because I want to pay particular homage to Gong Li, an absolutely captivating, unbelievably intense, extraordinarily beautiful goddess in this film. I didn't actually understand much of what she was saying since she was supposed to be Mexican, but the electricity she generates was stunning. I was awed. Also I've never seen a film that made me want so much to be a part of Vice.

schtuff part infinite

Okay I shall not post now about my extremely boring life at the moment. I've been a total recluse in London the last three days but I really needed the space and time alone, not to reconstruct, not to forget, but to not-think. Nothing interesting about that really, except I've been catching up on film and yesterday wandered into the National Portrait Gallery for the annual BP exhibition and chanced upon the Ondaatje wing which was endowed by Christopher Ondaatje, brother of Michael Ondaatje. And in it, shocker of shockers, he's described as financier and writer. WRITER??? WRITER?? This from the man who wrote the odious, self-aggrandizing "The Maneater of Punanai" (pun clearly not intended) about his travels in the East of Sri Lanka hunting down a maneating tiger which he did not even succeed at. And in the book, he has some digs at fellow writer/brother Michael. Do NOT. Even. Get. Me. Started. on a comparison. ANYhoo.

diaspora

The Tamil Diaspora infuriates me. The definition of diaspora is as follows: the movement, migration, or scattering of a people away from an established or ancestral homeland. In this case, the ancestral homeland is the Northeast, the heartland of that homeland is of course Jaffna. I was talking to some second generation Diaspora Tamils here. Boys that had been conscripted, shot at, escaped and had bitter, extremist memories of their times and experiences living in the Northeast in Jaffna until 1995. There is widespread belief here that this time, the 'boys' as the movement is called, will get the job done. The end of 2007 is the projected date of liberation for Tamil Eelam. The Northeast of Sri Lanka is no longer referred to as Sri Lanka, but Tamil Eelam. How we name names and draw lines of separation. Does no one understand that if there ever was to be another Partition, it would be accompanied by the same blood loss as happened in India when 1 million people died in the largest cross-border exchange known to human history? That like it or not, or whether because of biased policies, there are now large communities of Sinhalese living in Tamil areas and of course vice versa? And that notwithstanding that bloody transitionary period, the following years under the rule of a military-fascist organization (which already has a pseudo-state consisting of one courthouse, one bank and whatnot in a tiny outpost in the Northeast staffed entirely with ex-military types with no understanding of how to run a social organization like a government) will be also bloody because all revolutions with few exceptions, end up devouring their children? And that this myth of the Tigers giving up their right to power after seven years (after essentially having secured that transition a la Lee Kuan Yew (I'm not kidding, I actually heard this comparison being made between Prabhakaran and Lee Kuan Yew) ) is just that, a fucking myth? To that, the near-universal answer of the Diaspora is that if the 'boys' should turn tyrannical, then the Diaspora would cut off funding, that they, the Diaspora (living thousands of miles away, with practically no intention of coming back) would be involved in monitoring such governance. I mean the logic is riddled with inconsistencies and it frustrates me that everyone abroad is clinging onto such logic, drowning men clutching at straws because there seems to be no other hope to hold onto, no other liberator. No other saviour than the Tigers.