neruda

Poetry by Pablo Neruda

And it was at that age,
Poetry arrived
in search of me. I don’t know, I don’t know where
it came from, from winter or a river.
I don’t know how or when,
no, they were not voices, they were not
words, nor silence,
but from a street I was summoned,
from the branches of night,
abruptly from the others,
among violent fires
or returning alone,
there I was without a face
and it touched me.
I did not know what to say, my mouth
had no way
with names
my eyes were blind,
and something started in my soul,
fever or forgotten wings,
and I made my own way,
deciphering
that fire
and I wrote the first faint line,
faint, without substance, pure
nonsense
pure wisdom,
of someone who knows nothing,
and suddenly I saw
the heavens
unfastened
and open,
planets,
palpitating plantations,
shadows perforated,
riddled
with arrows, fire and flowers
the winding night, the universe.
And I, infinitesimal being,
drunk with the great starry
void,
likeness, image of
mystery,
I felt myself a pure part
of the abyss,
I wheeled with the stars,
my heart broke loose on the wind.

indian clerk

After a particularly drunken rout last night, I could not emerge from my bed, as each memory came back with startling, unwelcome clarity. So, I turned to The Indian Clerk by David Leavitt. The writing was not good, particularly as it was an American voice trying to write in a British voice about a Tamil man, a century ago. Quite a feat of ventriloquism for anyone to pull off and sadly the writer was not up to the task. It has decent passages though, but rather too much descriptive detail of homosexual acts for my taste, jarring as it is interspersed in a story about an aging Cambridge don. But there is a good tone of sadness which is sustained in parts.

I also watched American Gangster a movie that aspires to greatness but does not quite reach it, let down by the lack of urgency in the narrative, the lack of exploration of right and wrong. Finally, Denzel Washington makes drug trafficking look far too attractive, and that edge of menace which was there in Training Day was missing here. And Russell Crowe, actually looked like a sweet cop, as opposed to a thuggish one. It was worth the watch though.

end

The phone began ringing off the hook yesterday as soon as I got up. Condolences, sharing, grief, worry, uncertainty from the relatives all across the world. Another key leader dead. Just one more to add to the thousands. When will it all end?

ideology

I found this on another blog, but it is acutely so.

“It doesn’t do to dwell in fantasy, which is not the same as imagination. Imagination is the power to reshape reality, to find hope where there appears to be only despair. Imagination creates signs that speak of the future and bring it closer. Fantasy is in some ways its opposite. It is a form of despair that flees from reality rather than seeking to reshape it.

‘We had fed the heart on fantasies, the heart’s grown brutal from the fare”.- W.B. Yeats

This is true of all ideology.

I don't want to know you because you may destabilize my world.

change

I feel like hiding under my desk again. Plus ca change, plus c'est le meme. (The more things change, the more they stay the same). Why do we pretend it's any different?

more

Looking over this blog recently, it looks like I have been incredibly self-absorbed, which really is not true! I came to a school of politics and think I have blogged less about politics than any other time in my life. Perhaps because I finally realize that it is true, erase all names! erase all nations! Power is the same everywhere and everywhere has the same problems with it, and every side is the same side. The anarchist is the only principled one.

Other than that, I have been watching Sports Night (when in life-related doubt, watch Sorkin) and it is his first work and it is rawer than his other work but it still shows brilliance, sentiment of the best kind and intelligence and I'll take that these days in whatever form I can get!

But the problems of the world do concern me. It just seems, so overwhelming. We flit here from event to event from The Humanitarian Crisis in Darfur to The Role of Government in Capital Markets to Natalie Portman talking about Increasing Access to Microfinance (not kidding) to Celebrate Hillary's (the Clinton I mean) 60th Birthday to Renaming the Surge in Iraq. I know I sound stupid, but I have lost the ability to translate my horror and outrage at tyranny, war, poverty and disease and all I have at that thought is a bone-deep weariness.

The guy sleeping above me (I live on the first floor of a 3 storey house) snores really loud and I can hear it through my ceiling. He doesn't seem to be getting any more action though. Small mercies.

roses

I bought red red roses on sale, because they were dying. Showy large blooms, petals blackened with age, a dozen of them are sitting in a glass of water and they look wonderful, past their youth, one last hurrah. Am debating seriously a doctorate. Oh God.

w bankers

In a Q and A with the Guardian, Douglas Copeland is asked what makes you depressed, and his answer is Boring people who have money.

Here is my theory about bankers and consultants (and of course all my friends are excused here as am I, having been one of these people and contemplating returning to the profession).

These people have too much money and too little time. They are by definition risk-averse, and also less motivated by social causes. They also have few interests outside of work besides purchasing larger homes and more luxurious holidays. (In fact, all that bankers do besides talk about work is to talk about their holidays in which they sleep besides the pool in some exotic location). Finally, and worst of all, their thinking is limited, box-like because that is how they are trained to think. By rejoining these professions, I would be losing everything that is unique about myself, or that forms a self-identity.

Sigh. If only choices were as simple as the above. Went to a reception last night at the Massachussetts State House (yes, the building of the golden dome for those who have watched the Departed) and it was bland and boring, so I got drunk on the free wine. Thrashed out in a drunken state the night prior, a memo on private operators of public infrastructure, which was rather a decent effort.

Am flirting briefly with the idea of doing a doctorate in English. Please someone, hammer some sense into my head before I become TOTALLY un-employable.

choices

On the whole job nightmare, I was talking with H.
" So I want to work for a nonprofit, preferably Teachers without Borders but I can't afford to pay off my loans on a salary of X, and so my plan is to write a best selling novel by May, get a massive advance and do that. After all, B and D spent their summers writing their novels. D's book is a horror story with a moral overtone, and B's book is autobiographical. How hard can it be? Then I can go to Cuba and teach salsa dancing which is what I really want to do".

Ah. Choices.

teaching

Am bleary eyed after marking 113 finance problem sets. Its 2am and of course I left it until the last possible day before it was due. It was an interesting exercise, but if I ever mention that I ever wanted to go into teaching, somebody please do me (and the world) a favour and shoot me and leave me for dead. I NEVER want to repeat this. Having said that, there were a few bright moments. Bearing in mind that this was entirely a quantitative finance problem set, here were some smart (aleck) comments that students made and handed in! (Aside: its amazing how students get excited by tangency points i.e. every time there is a curve and a tangent to the curve, the tangency point must be the answer to every question!).

I tried but I do not understand at all what this question is talking about. Please go through this in class.

I am confused. Hence the question mark instead of an answer.

and my favourite

If only I can understand the English that is being used, I could at least make sense out of it. It sounds gibberish to me and I am not sure that I can begin to make sense of that sort of English. Thanks for your time.

the divine mr. northam

So after reading Possession and recalling that the image of Ash has become inevitably intertwined with the image of a rather ravishing Jeremy Northam playing the same in the film adaptation (particularly the description in the book of a 'feral male') I embarked upon an English period film watching phase, successively blowing through the Austen adaptations of Sense and Sensibility (rather good with the very British Emma Thompson executing repressed passion rather well) and then Emma with Paltrow (insipid and boring) and the divine Mr. Northam. (I was in a terrible Northam phase years ago after the release of the incredibly romantic sci-fi thriller Cypher and even hunted down the Golden Bowl which was ghastly. But in Emma, he is simply debonair, sweet, English and rather appealing in all the best senses of the word. If there is a classic cry of why is this actor so underused, then it is for him.

time

I shall snatch this day from the gods and damned be the consequences.

possessed

I went on strike yesterday and simply turned the alarm off and refused to go to school, cancelling at the last minute classes and meetings. It was simply imperative. I unpacked my newest sage green sheets, woven thick and warm, and unravelled my bed accordingly and when it was done, it looked like fields of rice. And I scrubbed the bathroom clean, hands and knees, and washed my hair and drowned myself in lotion and then lay on the bed and finished reading Possession, the American edition (of which must has been written about, but its true, Roland now has an "amused smile" that "arouses"- the character was deemed too unsexy for American readers and subsequently revised in the American edition). The rain pounded away, it was a dark night in Massachussetts all around and perfect for reading. Went to a party, came back drunk and continued reading. I baked brownies and the tray was left in the hall to be ravaged by passing hordes of graduate students. It was glorious (I even cleaned my shoes) though now, I am irrevocably behind.

HermitIsland, Maine

We went camping, the whole crew, C, M, B, H, A and I. S couldn't make it, but we wrote in the sand on the water against a sunset, Bite Me S and sent him the photo via my blackberry. Trekked on a trail along cliffsides and saw the sea, the Atlantic, churning against black rock and silica for two hours. Boiled lobsters on our campfire, wincing as we stuck them live and wriggling in the pot. We stood along the pot and gave them an elegy though. Then took the JD out to the sand, a few metres from our tents (I pitched a tent!) and under the moonlight, talked without agenda or burden. Slept in our tents as the Maine winds howled across the dunes. In the morning we rose to the dawn and made campfire bacon and eggs and potatoes, went shell-picking and prising barnacles off the rocks and watching them wince. Read poetry standing on top of the rocks far into the sea. And everything was right with the world. Then we piled into the car and drove back to Boston with the windows down and the song from the JC Penney Sweater Commercial on high and repeat. A brief moment, snatched from the jaws of time.

unrelated things

"And ever has it been, that love knows not its own depth, until the hour of separation", -Khalil Gibran

I was talking to C today, a person who makes the darkest day glow with laughter.
"I know what I'm going to do. I'm going to apply to all these damn corporate jobs because I feel like I should, and I have loans and debt and when I finally I get my offer letter, after having gone through anal probes and coma-inducing case interviews, I'm going to look at it and then look at my wife and she'll say "Is this what you really want to do?" and I'll die a little bit inside and take the job".

youth?

What happened to our youth? What happened to lugging around dog-eared copies of Catcher in The Rye, quoting Shakespeare, spending hours in couches in Starbucks intellectualizing poverty? What happened to the urgent necessity to enter new worlds, be disruptive forces, change an order, to be giants in a field?

losing

I just wanted to say that today (roughly) marks the end of 1 year in the States. I would like to commemorate it by listing the following things I have not lost AT ALL!

a. ATM card. (Average loss of twice a year- to three times a year).
b. Mobile Phone (average loss of also twice a year)
c. Pen (Average loss of about five times a year). I have not lost this pen AT ALL. I only own one pen so it would be a disaster if I lost it.

I have also recently acquired a blackberry. Game over.

The Journey By Mary Oliver

The Journey

One day you finally knew

what you had to do, and began,

though the voices around you

kept shouting

their bad advice--

though the whole house

began to tremble

and you felt the old tug

at your ankles.

"Mend my life!"

each voice cried.

But you didn't stop.

You knew what you had to do,

though the wind pried

with its stiff fingers

at the very foundations,

though their melancholy

was terrible.

It was already late

enough, and a wild night,

and the road full of fallen

branches and stones.

But little by little,

as you left their voices behind,

the stars began to burn

through the sheets of clouds,

and there was a new voice

which you slowly

recognized as your own,

that kept you company

as you strode deeper and deeper

into the world,

determined to do

the only thing you could do--

determined to save

the only life you could save

pathetic!

back stateside and OMG as a dear friend would say. The pace has consumed me already. Still haven't unpacked, everything is in a mess, and away this weekend and another dear friend is in town tomorrow for a few days and OMG. Such is the pathetic state of affairs that I am reduced to ordering underwear online. Irretrievably sad.

perhaps all true desire is illicit

back in beantown

Back in Boston and oh so blue! The only thing that redeems it is J coming to town and R potentially getting her act together to come to town too... Otherwise it looks like a long dreary fall ahead weather wise. Class wise, I am determined to learn something, against the odds this semester so am going to focus on infrastructure, trade and the Middle East as well as a Start a Biz in a Developing Country. Its 30 celsius here so at least the weather is holding up. Feeling decidedly antisocial and not going to the usual round of parties celebrating the return of school. Oh, I'm decidedly getting older... SIGH!

enthee-yah.

So. One more day left and what are the things I am going to miss about India and not miss? Here are the moments.

Missing (terribly)
a) I never thought I would say this of all things, but I will miss the heat that sticks to you like silk, that smothers and frees.

b) The autorickshaw wallahs and the conversation about life, the movies and politics (in that order).

c) The television channels full of random masala songs of half naked women and men with brains the size of their pecs all in high-gloss high-blare fashion

d) The people, hospitality, kindness, graciousness, everything that is South Asian and Indian.

e) The food. Searing curries, larger than life organically grown vegetables (a tomato that tastes like a tomato, chicken that's been reared on whatever chickens eat in the wild)

f) Last, but not least, the head wiggle. Enough said.

Things I will safely un-miss until the next time

a) The pollution. Thought Colombo was bad but India takes it to another level.

b) Idlies. I hate the damn things and will not miss them for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

c) The redefinition of customer service. You know what I mean.

d) The revolution that the human body is capable of staging in India (i.e. the various things I have fallen ill with in such an impossibly short space of time). It is amazing biologically what can happen when things go wrong with the body. Emotional angst is no comparison to physical pain.

e) the total lack of privacy.

tamil cinema

Iconic moments in tamil cinema

« I’ve been thinking about number one most iconic moment for a long time. In my mind, it has to go to Nayakan, and the last scene, when he dies, shot, in a Godse-like moment, by his disciple, a child he had brought up himself. He dies, falling face forward, with his hands up, asking for forgiveness, that a court of justice has already given him, but God may deny him. And in that moment, his life is narrated in flashback, the compromises he has made, the soul he has sold in order to gain power and dispense his moral version of justice to those who are unprotected. Was it worth it? Was he right? Do the wheels of justice grind slow but exceedingly small?
« Number Two. Another Kamal Haasan moment. In Salangai Oli, when the woman he has loved has had her deserted husband come back, and his love is never spoken. And he turns to drink and his extraordinary talent is driven to waste. And on the plank of wood, above the well, he dances in the rain to one of cinema’s most evocative songs, and says, never expecting to see her again, naan vallkaiodu kovarm ellai, annal kaathal ennai kaathalikavillai. (I am not bitter with life, but love did not love me back). And she comes out in the rain, bereft and she extends her hand, and there is a flash of lightning and he sees her.
« Number Three: When Devaraj, the minor don asks Rajnikant (in the single best role in his life followed, perhaps by Baasha), why? Why did you give up your brother, your mother for me? Why? And he says, because you are my friend. And chills go down the spine. It is a very Lutheran stand: Here I stand, I can do no other. And it is both obvious and astonishing at the same time.
« (In the same film, is another moment, when Shobana tells him that her father wants to marry her off to someone else. And he asks, angry, was I the one who came and said I liked you? And he’s shouting at her, and she’s crying and she leaves him, walking through the cavern of two rocks, and she doesn’t turn back, and all his anger is a mask for how utterly bereft he is, sitting there as she walks away from him. )
« Great dramatic comic moment: In Agni Natchathiram, when Karthik is loafing, sitting smoking, one leg up on the parapet, arm lazily over an upraised knee, a leg dangling downwards, just loafing basically and Nirosha pulls up in her car, dressed in a tribute to Marilyn Monroe, and she leans over her steering wheel, with her dark skin setting off the white dress and hair cascading and mouths I love you. And he is so shocked, he nearly falls off the parapet and is like telling his friends and then she zooms off in her car and he gets on his motorbike and follows her (which is a funny twist on the typical guy going: I love you for no rhyme or reason).

Others?

seamus heaney

from his Nobel Prize lecture

One of the most harrowing moments in the whole history of the harrowing of the heart in Northern Ireland came when a minibus full of workers being driven home one January evening in 1976 was held up by armed and masked men and the occupants of the van ordered at gunpoint to line up at the side of the road. Then one of the masked executioners said to them, "Any Catholics among you, step out here". As it happened, this particular group, with one exception, were all Protestants, so the presumption must have been that the masked men were Protestant paramilitaries about to carry out a tit-for-tat sectarian killing of the Catholic as the odd man out, the one who would have been presumed to be in sympathy with the IRA and all its actions. It was a terrible moment for him, caught between dread and witness, but he did make a motion to step forward. Then, the story goes, in that split second of decision, and in the relative cover of the winter evening darkness, he felt the hand of the Protestant worker next to him take his hand and squeeze it in a signal that said no, don't move, we'll not betray you, nobody need know what faith or party you belong to. All in vain, however, for the man stepped out of the line; but instead of finding a gun at his temple, he was thrown backward and away as the gunmen opened fire on those remaining in the line, for these were not Protestant terrorists, but members, presumably, of the Provisional IRA.
*
It is difficult at times to repress the thought that history is about as instructive as an abattoir; that Tacitus was right and that peace is merely the desolation left behind after the decisive operations of merciless power. I remember, for example, shocking myself with a thought I had about that friend who was imprisoned in the seventies upon suspicion of having been involved with a political murder: I shocked myself by thinking that even if he were guilty, he might still perhaps be helping the future to be born, breaking the repressive forms and liberating new potential in the only way that worked, that is to say the violent way - which therefore became, by extension, the right way. It was like a moment of exposure to interstellar cold, a reminder of the scary element, both inner and outer, in which human beings must envisage and conduct their lives. But it was only a moment. The birth of the future we desire is surely in the contraction which that terrified Catholic felt on the roadside when another hand gripped his hand, not in the gunfire that followed, so absolute and so desolate, if also so much a part of the music of what happens.

lage raho munnabhai

Absolutely astounding. Sweet, sentimental, hilarious, true, inspirational, lovely and utterly Indian in all its sensibilities. Watched it last night, seamless blending between humour and poignancy, between love, devotion and of course Gandhianism. And Sanjay Dutt, truly exceptional and sweet in a comic/villain type role. Welled up at quite a few moments, for a comedy that I thought was going to be totally disastrous. Particularly touching was the sidekick, proving that old tales can be continually rejuvenated if done right. And so sad too, this man, condemned to six years in Arthur Road Jail, Mumbai, for illegal arms possession, this man who, despite his imposing build, would not hurt a fly or so it seems. Some people are just cursed, whatever they do.
Can't wait to watch the first Munnabhai M.B.B.S.

ending

"Happiness is when what you think, and what you say, and what you do, are in harmony" Mahatma Gandhi

I wish someone had told me that earlier. But I feel like the orthogonal change in my life is somewhat progressing towards this truth. I only wish I had more diligence and discipline to chart it so.

Only two more days to go in proper employment and then freed, again, to travel, to rest, to learn and to think.

I never promised you a rose garden.

hmm.

Sometimes, all the hoopla disappears, the bustle and noise recedes, and the streets are quiet, as though a bombing just happened and a curfew had been announced. But its only Independence day, and millions have left the capital, to make pilgrimages to holy sites, to sit, enjoy and be at peace. And the silence is restful almost, just as it should be after a week of travelling cross country and beyond. The summer is drawing to a close, with only 3 short weeks to be spent backwater-hopping in Kerala with the fam, and then back to school, and all that that represents. I feel as though my heart has slowed down here, even though my body has been busy, and even though I haven't had a moment to myself really for more than a day. Its been good. Filling up the silences has been good, and things have healed. Or are beginning to. I don't know what the coming year will bring, but I am sure things will come together. It always does, right? Oh 20th of August.

omkara

Back from a week in the north, where the colour, vibrancy, urbanization seem exuberant in contrast with this gentle South, of muted tones and temples, of stones, granite and rain, of safety and calmness. Watched Omkara at the Delhi Film Festival, an Indian take on Othello and it was remarkable to see how far along Indian cinema had come, in terms of mastery of plot, screenplay writing, authentic dialogue, setting and scenes and cinematography, while still retaining a uniquely Indian look, feel and sensibility. The movie was let down only by the acting, which unfortunately is where the Indian talent falls short, but there were some stellar performances that transcended script and directing. Particularly I think Saif Ali Khan who valiantly tried to come to terms with the script and Ajay Devgan who merely stalked around as a brooding general, both these performances missed the genius of the original writings, to show the complexity of these man, Othello and Iago. Nevertheless before the movie came on, Vivek Oberoi came out in person to talk to the audience for a brief Q & A and impressed us with his charm and sheer heart (something I think that every Indian person has) and gallantry, thus forgiving his innate lack of intelligence and sensitivity.

shantaram

Getting through Shantaram right now, despite the initial scepticism, a friend made me read the first page and then I immediately went and bought the 936 page doorstopper and am wending my way through it now, and reading it now, ensconced in the North, brings alive the beating heart of an India that I had never quite known I had known. It seems that it is very easy to fall in love with men who are in love with life and some people have a wisdom, born from having fought the difficult fight, without losing their hope or idealism. Despite its lack of literary talent (read discipline) and knowledge of literary grammar, yet, there is a honesty to the writing, a soaring romanticism and a deep understanding of life, through the author, who for all his faults, has never been afraid to live and to most of all, love. And what more could one want in a book?

"The voice, Afghan matchmakers say, is more than half of love".

" The past reflects eternally between two mirrors- the bright mirror of words and deeds and the dark one, full of things we didn't do or say"

"Sometimes you break your heart in the right way"

i love india

So, I love India.

I know its a tired cliche, and I've hated it on many an occasion too, but I actually adore the subcontinent. Who would've even thought for a second that I could live anywhere else except in this part of the world now that I have made it here? Of course I still think Sri Lanka is god's gift to planet earth, and that Eden like it has never existed before or after (and like Eden, its inhabitants are similarly cursed, but it seems as though wars are always fought in paradise). Am off to Delhi tomorrow for a week, and the bustling pitch of the north can be compared to the south, and the exuberant hindi spoke on the streets will ricochet off the extreme poverty (more so than in the South) and maybe I'll venture out to some teak/jasmine/coconut/rubber plantations armed with a survey and ask them ridiculous questions and maybe I'll fall in love with life all over again, because its home, and this craziness will always be home. And tonight I am going to watch shivaji and it'll be awesome and nothing in my life will capture my senses as much as an indian film, and that too a tamil film!

and a google quote seems particularly apt: play: work that you enjoy doing for nothing. which is exactly what I'm doing.

excerpt

Paul Theroux from the Guardian's Great Escape

In the monsoon season of 1970, I boarded the MV Keningau in Singapore bound for Borneo. The ship was small, not much bigger than a ferry, the inexpensive way for rubber-tappers and their families to travel to the plantations of East Malaysia. They were down below - hundreds of them, off to work. I was sailing to Kota Kinabalu, for the fun of it, and also to climb Mount Kinabalu. In a few months, my wife would be giving birth to our second child, and this was a selfish and solitary jaunt, before I became fully engaged as a father of two. I also had the notion that this solitude would help me in my writing project at the time, a novel with the provisional title Saint Jack, about a middle-aged American who dreams of getting rich in Singapore. In my small bag with a change of clothes were my notebooks and my book for the trip, a hard-cover copy of VS Naipaul's novel A House for Mr Biswas. Because there were so few of us in first class, we all ate together: the captain's wife and his son; a planter's wife, part-Malay, and her small son, in the cabin next to mine; and a Tamil lawyer, travelling on his own - he was about my age, which was 29. What seems like a cast for a Maugham story was in fact a pleasant and sedate group. The captain and his family were friendly people but all of them chewed food with their mouths open, a family trait I have never encountered anywhere else. Some evenings, I played cards with the Tamil and the planter's wife, usually the game of Hearts. Then I became engrossed in the Naipaul novel, slipped into the life of the Tulsi family and its odd-man-out, Mohun Biswas. The novel is without mannerisms, seems almost not to have a style, yet is so detailed and humane, it offered me a whole world; and as with the greatest novels, it made me care. I memorised a paragraph beginning "The mind is merciful . . ."
"Paul's laughing," the planter's wife said from the card table.
"At a book!" the Tamil said.
I hardly noticed the voyage. Most of the time, I was in Trinidad with Mohun Biswas and Anand. I was dismayed that in a day or so I'd be finished with the book, and I thought - as young writers do - I could never write this. But the passion of this novel helped me see that I had my own novel to write.

Oct 20 2004

from an old email.

Today, my world changed and my life was dragged along with it. It wasn't a big dynamic change, announced with lightning and moving tectonic plates, as one would imagine these things were. It was instead, a shifting of sands. The world as I knew it fell away from me for an instant, and when the clouds had stopped blurring everything was the same again, although imperceptibly changed. I had finally discovered who I was, and who i could never be again. I was a writer.

Whether time would tell me if I was good or not was irrelevant. Today I found out who I am. Whatever I had expected upon attending his reading, I had not expected this. I had not expected this instant awareness, this instant attraction. I felt as though upon meeting him, an old memory of mine was rewoken. I felt as though I had known him my whole life and I felt as though I had the rest of my live to devote to him. It is known that I am particularly susceptible to passions. But I knew his body too,his vigour, his quick movements belied the hyperawareness of a man not used to people or to society. A man uponst whom everyone else necessarily imposed themselves on. A man who I had fallen in love with when i was 16.I know that all this will seem incredibly fanciful, and melodramatic. A writer has to write a story about everything and this will seem one in a thread of many. but believe me when I say this, I had not expected this. I had expected to be provoked, to be stimulated, to see the head that had produced lines that were never to be forgotten,etched into my awakening mind at 16. I had not expected this... absolute knowledge.I could not take my eyes off him. He was home, as in Sri Lanka, a land he knew better than me, a land that he had written about much more evocatively than I could ever hope to do so, he represented the West, and its voices, but most horrifically of all, the thing I did not expect, was that he represented a Dutchman living in Asia. Of which all had one in common, the same alert piercing eyes, the same uneasiness with which they integrated into society, the same hesitance before they spoke ofthemselves. He reminded me most of someone I had once known deeply, of Home, of the war and of the book that had changed my life.

All this I could not tell him, although I wanted to. For the first time that evening he spoke of himself. And I could tell after he spoke, for he ended abruptly as though having spoken more than he had wished to, that it was as surprising to him as it was to me. He spoke of how he had started to write another novel set in Sri Lanka, but the voice and the structure was similar to Anil's ghost and so he had stopped. He spoke also of how he had gone back, how he had gone back after Anil's Ghost and how he would always continue to go back.I could no longer speak. The man's voice when he read of the history of stones, of writings in leaves of palimpsests, of genesis,of lives in Polonaruwa and places I thought only I knew about, for none of my friends or people knew this except my parents. And he said something that he didn't say to anyone else, this man of few words, this man who said it took him 2 years to read his own book out to the public because that was how long it took him to be comfortable with the own characters he had written. The man who had refused to talk about the work he was currently engaged on.Perhaps I am romanticizing as I am wont to do. but this encounter, I can only tell you in this moment, my life changed. I had gone into that room, thinking of being a writer, and I had come out, knowing that I wanted to write something that he would be proud of.

ode to studio 60

the best scene in studio 60- the now officially defunct Aaron Sorking post-West Wing comedy? The scene where the black jazz musicians from hurricane-ravaged Katrina play music without lyrics to scenes of new orlean and the snow falls on the stage. The soaring notes of the trumpet and the softer deeper notes of the saxophone send chills down the spine. And then bradley whitford delivers his line: .....but you'd better get a head start because I'm coming for you.

another day in madras and I don't want to leave. prospects of clubbing madras style tonight. Yeah! any excuse to drink imported liquor at exorbitant prices, spend the night at the friend's place because I have a curfew of 10pm and wake up to die another day. And my eye is improving so I don't look like something out of a porn/horror film. Nice.

mumbling

I'll die as I have lived, with a book in my hand says manguel perhaps?.
I'm tired. and i want to lay down somewhere and i want the universe to stop spinning and I want the earth to slow down and I want to read and mull and not do much of anything else. except I have always dreamt of thinking, of having time to think, of walking and thinking and sleeping and thinking, but I only at best, have an hour to think everyday and that too only because I refuse to come to work after I get up and I lie in bed after a shower, with the fan whirring, thinking.

reading the reluctant fundamentalist now and while it is delicate it is not subtle and neither is it revelatory but resorts to narrating the cliched experience of fundamentalism, painting Princeton on top of it does not change it, nor imbue it with gravitas. madras is lulling me constantly to sleep and think I have also developed a mild version of madras eye. on another note, a conversation or two does not actually change reality, even if it offers the brief hope of choosing an alternate reality, yet in that choice between vectors, a whole host of other inevitables are at play and one can change some, but as lincoln said you can fool some of the people all the time and all of the people some of the time, but you can't fool all of the people all of the time. likewise with one's self-awareness and the inevitability of certain behaviours at the ripe old age of 26.

lky

From Lee Kuan Yew: "The Man and His Ideas"

"We have got to live with the consequences of our actions and we are responsible for our own people and we take the right decisions for them. You look at the old Philippines. The old Ceylon. The old East Pakistan and several others. I have been to these countries and places. When I went to Colombo for the first time in 1956 it was a better city than Singapore because Singapore had three and a half years of Japanese occupation and Colombo was the centre or HQ of Mountbatten's Southeast Asia command.
And they had sterling reserves. They had two Universities. Before the war, a thick layer of educated talent So if you believe what American liberals or British liberals used to say, then it ought to have flourished. But it didn't.

One-man one-vote led to the domination of the Sinhalese majority over the minority Tamils who were the active and intelligent fellows who worked hard and got themselves penalised. And English was out. They were educated in English. Sinhalese was in. They got quotas in two universities and now they have become fanatical Tigers. And the country will never be put together again.

Somebody should have told them - change the system, loosen up, or break off. And looking back, I think the Tunku was wise. (The reference is to Tunku Abdul Rahman the Malaysian Prime Minister under whose rule Singapore separated from Malaysia). I offered a loosening up of the system. He said: "Clean cut, go your way". Had we stayed in, and I look at Colombo and Ceylon, I mean changing names, sometimes maybe you deceive the gods, but I don't think you are deceiving the people who live in them. It makes no great difference to the tragedy that is being enacted. They failed because they had weak or wrong leaders ".

in india

you know you're in India when the moment you land, someone rushes from the back of the plane to the front, already having perfected his strategy of being a first-mover at Customs and secretly disobeying orders to unload luggage from the cabin head. You know you're in India when standing in customs, some old guy trying valiantly to be hip with newly-acquired American accent and a passel of kids and a large fanny pack busts out ice gum and offers it to everyone around him saying: want some ice breakers? You know you're in India when some auntie/long-lost third cousin's great-cousin's grand-aunt says to you warningly about her friend/long lost third-cousin's daughter that she was a very bright girl, went to Stanford pre-med, but then switched majors and now is doing Teach for America and shakes her head and says :"and her parents are very disappointed". You know you're in India when you're sitting in an auto, rushing headlong into oncoming traffic, heart pounding wildly, hair flying out of the 2 by 2 hair cabin, and the auto driver having completed a u-turn worthy of Hamilton spinning on one wheel, then spots a lad pedalling on a bicycle standing up, ahead of him, and the lad's butt swerving with every motion, and in madrasi tamil, the autodriver bawls him out for his butt going this way and that way and tells him to sit down, and the youth, undaunted, tries to make a quickwitted retort, but instead crashes into an oncoming van and falls off his bicycle to much merriment of auto driver and passengers. You know you're in India when you start speaking tamil/hindi/marwadi/hyderabadi urdu to a telephone seller, who upon seeing your crisp blue foreign passport, starts yakking back at you in broken English, deaf to whatever else. You know you're in India when the gelato from a five star cafe is a colonic irrigation substitute, and fresh curd from the rural roadside makes you believe in God again. You know you're in India when ... you wake up, and the air is wet with the smell of monsoon rains, and the leaves greener than anywhere else, and the stench from the roadside households mixes with the diesel of the maruti cars and melds with the jasmine and the mangoes and the sandalwood from a nearby shrine and you know you're home, some way, again.

a commencement speech

Remarks of Hillary D. Rodham, President of the Wellesley College Government Association and member of the Class of 1969, on the occasion of Wellesley's 91st Commencement, May 31, 1969:

I am very glad that Miss Adams made it clear that what I am speaking for today is all of us -- the 400 of us -- and I find myself in a familiar position, that of reacting, something that our generation has been doing for quite a while now. We're not in the positions yet of leadership and power, but we do have that indispensable task of criticizing and constructive protest and I find myself reacting just briefly to some of the things that Senator Brooke said. This has to be brief because I do have a little speech to give. Part of the problem with empathy with professed goals is that empathy doesn't do us anything. We've had lots of empathy; we've had lots of sympathy, but we feel that for too long our leaders have used politics as the art of making what appears to be impossible, possible. What does it mean to hear that 13.3% of the people in this country are below the poverty line? That's a percentage. We're not interested in social reconstruction; it's human reconstruction. How can we talk about percentages and trends? The complexities are not lost in our analyses, but perhaps they're just put into what we consider a more human and eventually a more progressive perspective. The question about possible and impossible was one that we brought with us to Wellesley four years ago. We arrived not yet knowing what was not possible. Consequently, we expected a lot.

Our attitudes are easily understood having grown up, having come to consciousness in the first five years of this decade -- years dominated by men with dreams, men in the civil rights movement, the Peace Corps, the space program -- so we arrived at Wellesley and we found, as all of us have found, that there was a gap between expectation and realities. But it wasn't a discouraging gap and it didn't turn us into cynical, bitter old women at the age of 18. It just inspired us to do something about that gap. What we did is often difficult for some people to understand. They ask us quite often: "Why, if you're dissatisfied, do you stay in a place?" Well, if you didn't care a lot about it you wouldn't stay. It's almost as though my mother used to say, "I'll always love you but there are times when I certainly won't like you." Our love for this place, this particular place, Wellesley College, coupled with our freedom from the burden of an inauthentic reality allowed us to question basic assumptions underlying our education. Before the days of the media orchestrated demonstrations, we had our own gathering over in Founder's parking lot. We protested against the rigid academic distribution requirement. We worked for a pass-fail system. We worked for a say in some of the process of academic decision making. And luckily we were in a place where, when we questioned the meaning of a liberal arts education there were people with enough imagination to respond to that questioning. So we have made progress. We have achieved some of the things that initially saw as lacking in that gap between expectation and reality. Our concerns were not, of course, solely academic as all of us know. We worried about inside Wellesley questions of admissions, the kind of people that should be coming to Wellesley, the process for getting them here. We questioned about what responsibility we should have both for our lives as individuals and for our lives as members of a collective group.

Coupled with our concerns for the Wellesley inside here in the community were our concerns for what happened beyond Hathaway House. We wanted to know what relationship Wellesley was going to have to the outer world. We were lucky in that one of the first things Miss Adams did was to set up a cross-registration with MIT because everyone knows that education just can't have any parochial bounds any more. One of the other things that we did was the Upward Bound program. There are so many other things that we could talk about; so many attempts, at least the way we saw it, to pull ourselves into the world outside. And I think we've succeeded. There will be an Upward Bound program, just for one example, on the campus this summer.
Many of the issues that I've mentioned -- those of sharing power and responsibility, those of assuming power and responsibility have been general concerns on campuses throughout the world. But underlying those concerns there is a theme, a theme which is so trite and so old because the words are so familiar. It talks about integrity and trust and respect. Words have a funny way of trapping our minds on the way to our tongues but there are necessary means even in this multi-media age for attempting to come to grasps with some of the inarticulate maybe even inarticulable things that we're feeling. We are, all of us, exploring a world that none of us even understands and attempting to create within that uncertainty. But there are some things we feel, feelings that our prevailing, acquisitive, and competitive corporate life, including tragically the universities, is not the way of life for us. We're searching for more immediate, ecstatic and penetrating mode of living. And so our questions, our questions about our institutions, about our colleges, about our churches, about our government continue. The questions about those institutions are familiar to all of us. We have seen heralded across the newspapers. Senator Brooke has suggested some of them this morning. But along with using these words -- integrity, trust, and respect -- in regard to institutions and leaders we're perhaps harshest with them in regard to ourselves.

Every protest, every dissent, whether it's an individual academic paper, Founder's parking lot demonstration, is unabashedly an attempt to forge an identity in this particular age. That attempt at forging for many of us over the past four years has meant coming to terms with our humanness. Within the context of a society that we perceive -- now we can talk about reality, and I would like to talk about reality sometime, authentic reality, inauthentic reality, and what we have to accept of what we see -- but our perception of it is that it hovers often between the possibility of disaster and the potentiality for imaginatively responding to men's needs. There's a very strange conservative strain that goes through a lot of New Left, collegiate protests that I find very intriguing because it harkens back to a lot of the old virtues, to the fulfillment of original ideas. And it's also a very unique American experience. It's such a great adventure. If the experiment in human living doesn't work in this country, in this age, it's not going to work anywhere.

But we also know that to be educated, the goal of it must be human liberation. A liberation enabling each of us to fulfill our capacity so as to be free to create within and around ourselves. To be educated to freedom must be evidenced in action, and here again is where we ask ourselves, as we have asked our parents and our teachers, questions about integrity, trust, and respect. Those three words mean different things to all of us. Some of the things they can mean, for instance: Integrity, the courage to be whole, to try to mold an entire person in this particular context, living in relation to one another in the full poetry of existence. If the only tool we have ultimately to use is our lives, so we use it in the way we can by choosing a way to live that will demonstrate the way we feel and the way we know. Integrity -- a man like Paul Santmire. Trust. This is one word that when I asked the class at our rehearsal what it was they wanted me to say for them, everyone came up to me and said "Talk about trust, talk about the lack of trust both for us and the way we feel about others. Talk about the trust bust." What can you say about it? What can you say about a feeling that permeates a generation and that perhaps is not even understood by those who are distrusted? All they can do is keep trying again and again and again. There's that wonderful line in East Coker by Eliot about there's only the trying, again and again and again; to win again what we've lost before.

And then respect. There's that mutuality of respect between people where you don't see people as percentage points. Where you don't manipulate people. Where you're not interested in social engineering for people. The struggle for an integrated life existing in an atmosphere of communal trust and respect is one with desperately important political and social consequences. And the word "consequences" of course catapults us into the future. One of the most tragic things that happened yesterday, a beautiful day, was that I was talking to woman who said that she wouldn't want to be me for anything in the world. She wouldn't want to live today and look ahead to what it is she sees because she's afraid. Fear is always with us but we just don't have time for it. Not now.

There are two people that I would like to thank before concluding. That's Ellie Acheson, who is the spearhead for this, and also Nancy Scheibner who wrote this poem which is the last thing that I would like to read:

My entrance into the world of so-called "social problems"
Must be with quiet laughter, or not at all.T
he hollow men of anger and bitterness
The bountiful ladies of righteous degradation
All must be left to a bygone age.
And the purpose of history is to provide a receptacle
For all those myths and oddments
Which oddly we have acquired
And from which we would become unburdened
To create a newer world
To transform the future into the present.
We have no need of false revolutions
In a world where categories tend to tyrannize our minds
And hang our wills up on narrow pegs.
It is well at every given moment to seek the limits in our lives.
And once those limits are understood
To understand that limitations no longer exist.
Earth could be fair.
And you and I must be free
Not to save the world in a glorious crusade
Not to kill ourselves with a nameless gnawing pain
But to practice with all the skill of our being
The art of making possible.

madras

So. Having lived in Sri Lanka for a mammoth year and a half, one would assume that living in its subcontinental neighbour for just three months, especially where one spoke the language unlike in Sri Lanka, would be a relative walk in the park. Or if not exactly a breezy jaunt, then at least not angst-inducing. But a year in the developed world with every luxury and convenience to hand has simply marinaded me in my usual comfort expectations such that even taking a normal auto ride in the heat of noon amidst traffic and pollution of the Indian variety leaves me dazed and confused and utterly bereft of the will to live. Add to that spending one days in a sub-arctic airconditioned office researching, sleeping on a bed with a mattress of crushed stone, violently swatting at mosquitoes mid-dream, and worst of all, eating South Indian food (once is a novelty, twice is nice, more than that, Sri Lankan food it just ain't) ALL THE TIME has made me depressed. So, regardless of the cost, I am off. To Barista for a fake-latte but right now, even the semblance of espresso will have me up, and then back to work no doubt. (And of course it isn't as bad as all that, there're a great bunch of people here and lots of laughing at how insane India is, and everyone meddling in everyone else's business here and general Indian life, which is just on crack). Just a little dejected right now that's all, and looking forward to a long, hot, dry (of that OTHER variety too) summer.

temperatures.

Someone please explain to me how it is possible that it is the beginning of June nearly, it is 35 degrees celsius in Boston and when I land in London, it is SEVEN DEGREES CELSIUS? It boggles the mind. I had to immediately purchase on the cheap, a white fishermans' cable knit sweater. While it does nothing to hold up the fashion front, I am warm. The BBC has quite a funny series of pictures on the weather: check it here: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/in_pictures/6698607.stm

tomorrow

So another adventure partly ends and a new one begins. Packing up my room, putting things away in boxes (I started my packing a day early unlike usual seven hours of packing through the night-J would be so proud of me!), thinking, how did another year of my life pass by with me barely noticing. Its already summer and somehow we went from autumn to deepest winter to the beginning of spring and now high summer and its 35 degrees and Boston is unrecognizable from the days when we trudged to school knee-deep in snow. And yesterday was perfect as I took a nap in between packing. The windows to my room were open, and the sunlight streamed in and it was a perfect 25 deg and the wind carried the scent of newly blooming lilac and for once I wasn't rushed as I have been all year and all I had to do was to live through the moment and it was beautiful.

And now I am listening to the soundtrack for the summer of 2000 which was the first time I came to Boston and spent my summer here and how much has changed in seven years. And in some ways the things I thought would be different are not and the things I thought would be the same are. Here's to not spending six years of your life fixated on the wrong things, to taking life as it is and not more than that, to adventure at every new corner, to the wind in my hair and a spring in my step. Here's to tomorrow, whatever it may bring.

the shadow lines

I am reading again. Two and a half books in two days surely qualifies as a literary resurgence. Divisadero as I have mentioned. Can Anna ever go back again? Are we ever able to sew scars together again? But also The Shadow Lines by Amitav Ghosh about four individuals torn apart by the Calcutta riots. I was told by someone that this was better than the English Patient. Shocked at such heresy I immediately bought and read this. Reader, it is not. Heretic to be included even in the same sentence. Ghosh's writing is ill-ordered, characters caricatured with no heroic appeal, and no weight of tragedy to carry the writing, to imbue meaning through the slightest of gestures. Though he does wield some talent, it is not nearly as much as it is hyped out to be. But perhaps I am simply not the right person to write a comparison piece on the two. One idea he mentioned was quite stunning in its simplicity, that love was directly opposed to the idea of justice, that he had thrown everything he had into the scales and it had not moved by a tremor. As it is quoted in Divisadero, whether we are the heroes of our own lives or someone else is, these pages will show.

read

"Anywhere else, those events would only have occupied two square inches of a Brueghel, but they brought fire to my life"- Divisadero

I've read it now. And now the re-reading begins, to find out the many truths that are too buried for us adults. But it was anguishing and I tried not to linger to let it parallel but it did. The racing can only hide so much, and it should pause so that other things, ordering and stabilizing can be layered over it, but perhaps it is not to be.

And a dear friend sent ultrasounds of the baby growing in her womb, and it is a miracle of human life, that despite everything, as Coetzee says, the urge for life to perpetuate and constantly renew itself will overpower all evil.

madam, i'm adam

it's certainly scary how I can veer from exhilarated to maudlin in a couple of days. Nothing to quite explain the shift. A long lunch with a professor debating the derisive SLFP proposals before Sri Lanka today and how the situation is absolutely critical. It hasn't been as bad as this in 25 years. We will look back in history and realize that this is the turning point, when something could have been averted, as Burke said, all that is required for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing. And what do you do when someone tells you they are dying, to be gone within the year and there is nothing left to say. That has been the hallmark of today, I simply have nothing left to say. And no one to say it to.

person to watch: Priyanka Gandhi. Will she turn out like her grandmother, the personification of evil, or someone else entirely, more compassionate, less paranoid about holding onto power,

one of the greats

I'm back again to the state where life is beautiful. Meeting cartoonists on random street corners, a friend becoming a future congressman in Nebraska while being a Sri Lankan activist, another person working on the Richardson campaign as a matter of honour, out of her apartment with no money. Trekking to Colombia to work with a Nobel peace prize nominated activist is another friend, while another works with UNICEF in Bihar. Met an urban planner/architect from Sri Lanka who is going to help us map out our settlement. Meeting a renowned anthropological professor tomorrow who is a dear mentor, and who wrote Buddhism Betrayed. Always carving out a path in the midst of a madness, trying to find love in the obscurest of places and being unexpectedly surprised by the promises that one finds instead. Always drifting, always at a point of "divisar" by which we look back from the distance of time. Finding another who understands Brueghel, again. We find what we search for, when we do not look for it. Years later. Being with a brilliant economist, understanding behaviour. Always pushing the limits of my own understanding. Oh, that this could last forever. And listening to potent music, (the cheap, as Noel Coward said), and watching lots of television, browning under the sun and the promise of midsummer with days of nothing ahead (except exams which we've written off). The taper and counterpoint to a year that has gone by as fast as it has been unexpected. One of the greats as each year has been since I set myself firmly, fearfully, on this path.

beat up

Currently beat up, chewed up and spat out

Listening to on repeat

a. Road Trippin' by Red Hot Chili Peppers
b. The Story by Brandi Carlisle
c. Hallelujah by Jeff Buckley
d. New Day by Kate Havnevik of Melankton
e. Bach-Air on a G String by Royal Philharmonic

cricket.

watching the cricket finals with a bunch of sri lankans, is the only way it is meant to be watched. Riotous swearing and superstitious behaviour (we all stood on one leg in honour of Nelson's superstition at 111-1) and a lot of hair-rending and a lot of particularly Sri Lankan jokes, including one about the President who had flown in for the match.

It was a heroic effort and they played the game well. They lost to the juggernaut that was Australia, who've transformed the way the game is played, and for whom this is their third World Cup title, amidst much ill-planning, confusion and bad luck for the Sri Lankan side (read two rainouts- 38 overs reduced to 36 under the Duckworth-Lewis scoring, and playing in pitch-darkness in Barbados in a stadium without lighting) but they did their side proud and one can ask for no more.

And in a typically Sri Lankan twist, around about midway through the game, all our phones started going off and it was friends and relatives, letting us know that there was an air raid over Colombo and more bombs in the capital. Of course in typical Sri Lankan fashion it went like this: machang there was a bomb just now and we heard the blast. The power is out! What is the score?"

copyrighted for posterity if nothing else

"As a child she had keenly examined movement and life, expended by ants, bats, dragonflies, plants and trees. She had inherited the English love of the earth. The soil and its teeming life was a source of constant wonder to her and she had spent hours sitting silently in the April dampened earth, still as a lake. The frozen insects, earwigs startled, had dismissed her interruption and continued busily around her, climbing on the roots and branches of her calves and thighs. Armies building castles and establishments, enthroning and dethroning, followed by funereal processions of ants, black and red against the sludge green of the earth. Fortresses on promontories painstakingly constructed, futile efforts only to be ravaged by the helicopter drone of a bee, and blitzes by kamikaze dragonflies. Tiger moths, emblazoned with stripes of gold and camouflaged brown, hurling themselves with concentrated fury against the slender flickering candle flame of her night light. Those had been the first victims of her magnesium arrests. Her nose to the ground, eye to eye with snails. She imagined she could see their expressions, caught in the headlights. Herself as a goddess, haughty, only watching until the whim of destruction led her to exhale and blow. "

divisa?

I decided not to do an MBA which caused great waves of distress in my family, though i think my father is finally resigned to the fact that neither am I going to do an MBA or get married in the near future, thus bringing censure down on his head from the worldwide community of exiled sri lankan tamils who're busy financing terrorism or sympathising with it. I'm confused about freedom fighters/terrorists/goverment-sponsored violence. Should I rule the country, I would put the men to graze and hunt and let the women rule. Except Condoleeza Rice, who would lead the pack of men-sheep. The sun has finally come out and I browned further more while everyone else turned red. I also ordered Michael Ondaatje's book from Canada, since it only comes out in the rest of the world a whole month and a half later and I couldn't wait. After DHLing it from Canada to the East Coast however, I couldn't bring myself to read it because it would take another seven years before he published another book and it couldn't be over too soon. Am in class right now, trying to take down the pharmaceutical industry in America. All rich-country problems, who will save my beloved country?

divisadero

ooooh I feel sick, nauseous almost, but deeply excited and thrilled. I just ordered Divisadero, the new novel by Michael Ondaatje, which comes out in Canada tomorrow (yes I had to courier it from Canada because it only arrives in the States next month and I simply cannot wait that long). I feel ill at the thought of reading a NEW oeuvre by him, instead of the same four books that I have reread for the past ten years. His last book was written in 2001 and he averages six years for a book,so its going to be a long time before another one is here and ooh. I'd better make the most of this one as I can. There goes my life.

vonnegut 1922-2007

On pages 9 and 10 of his book Bagombo Snuff Box: Uncollected Short Fiction, Vonnegut listed eight rules for writing a short story:

Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
1. Use the time of a total stranger in such a way that he or she will not feel the time was wasted.
2. Give the reader at least one character he or she can root for.
3. Every character should want something, even if it is only a glass of water.
4. Every sentence must do one of two things — reveal character or advance the action.
5. Start as close to the end as possible.
6. Be a sadist. No matter how sweet and innocent your leading characters, make awful things happen to them — in order that the reader may see what they are made of.
7. Write to please just one person. If you open a window and make love to the world, so to speak, your story will get pneumonia.
8. Give your readers as much information as possible as soon as possible. To heck with suspense. Readers should have such complete understanding of what is going on, where and why, that they could finish the story themselves, should cockroaches eat the last few pages.

And an excerpt. I remember reading Slaughterhouse 5 for the A levels, along with Catch 22 and Dispatches. I didn't know what war looked like then, or death, or the sheer arbitrariness of it all. I only thought I knew what love was and it turned out I didn't know that either.

"Finnerty shook his head. ''He'd pull me back into the center, and I want to stay as close on the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can't see from the center.'' He nodded, ''Big, undreamed-of things -- the people on the edge see them first.''

studio 60

More tragedy and in Virginia too, genteel south.

Did I tell you I met Nandita Das? She’s someone I’ve always dreamt of directing, and she’s only acted in independent Indian films, controversial ones too. Her performance in Earth, along with Aamir Khan was so haunting, the subverting of love into rage and hopelessness. Anyway she was at school the other day and I met her consecutively and I talked to her briefly, awestruck.

Meeting with a potential investor. Still unable to come to a decision on the other school, though admit weekend is this weekend and perhaps it’ll be easier to make a decision. As for other things, they continue. Right now, I’m on a massive binge of Studio 60, the new Aaron Sorkin (creator of West Wing) television series starring the ex-Josh Lyman and Matthew Perry and here is a lovely line, from this valentine to television.

Bradley Whitford (as Danny Tripp) : “I've been married twice before and I'm a recovering cocaine addict. And I know that's no woman's dream of a man, or of a father. Nonetheless, I believe I'm falling in love with you. If you want to run, I understand. But you better get a good head start, because I'm coming for you, Jordan."

the world we live in

This world we live in. What are we doing here?

Above is a picture snatched from the BBC, one of my favourite sites of all time. A girl hands a female soldier some flowers and is embarassed. As usual it reminds me, the people who say we must go to war are rarely the ones who die.

back and blue

so. We made it into the semifis of the competition and it seems as though things are going well on the nonprofit creation front, as well as can be expected.

Back from a lovely time in Oxford and London, too well in fact for coming back is being extremely difficult. A day in bed solved those problems though. Yesterday after a crazy week (where I attended one class and had like nine hours total of sleep or something ridiculous) I got up at 8am, downloaded Ugly Betty and stayed in bed until 5pm until I finally roused myself to go to the gym and I came back, cooked honey and ginger chicken with tortillas and went back to bed at 9pm. It felt as though my body welcomed it, the intermittent napping associated with a day in bed and today I feel like a million dollars. Two !!

Still deciding on life trajectories. Gosh, if only things at the end could make themselves clear. I don't enjoy orientation activities, it must be said. Sigh.
Spent part of the week translating a documentary from Tamil into English. It was very emotional what my friend/kid had gone into the wilds of Vaharai Sri Lanka to film and then to come back with these tales of heartbreak and loss.

Anyway here's a lovely quote : "Beware the last temptation, To do the right thing for the wrong reasons".

and maybe

more advice from Cary Tennis, Salon's resident advice columnist

"So go for it. Please go for it. Go for it because elite academia needs people who've dodged a flying plate or two. Go for it for all the world's dreamers who question whether their dreams are worth it. Go for it for all the world's minority parties and outsider voices and small strange people with big dreams and curiously insistent inclinations and seemingly trivial preferences and nearly unheard voices telling them that it just might work, it just might be the thing, it just might make a difference. Go for it for all the people wondering if their little notions even matter. Go for it because it's not just about you, it's about setting an example for your kids and your family and your neighbors and friends. Go for it because somebody once told you not to. Go for it because someone told you that you weren't worth it. Go for it so you'll have a story to tell about courage and trusting your instincts.
Go for it for everyone who grew up in abusive households. Do it for everyone carrying self-doubt around like a bag of stones.
Go for it because you don't want to end up wondering 20 years later why you didn't.


Go for it to strike a blow against the tyranny of reasonable ideas.
Go for it because it's spring and spring is extravagant and fearless.
Go for it. "

malinga!

Lasith Malinga! Hero of the day for taking 4 wickets in 4 balls, a never-done-before feat in a 100 years or so of cricket history, neither in the one days or in the test matches. As the South African next to me said, "damned difficult to face him".

If Sri Lanka lose one more match, then they will have to win everything else to make it to the semi finals. Bugger. wish i was home right now, watching the match and yelling my head off in delirium. Instead am in medieval oxford, on hard backed chairs in an overwrought ballroom. And while it is lovely, and the sky is blue, the grass is green, the daffodils are blooming, everything is so silent and reserved and I want to whoop and yell! There would have been dancing on the streets back home. I love the Guardian which has an over by over commentary, and the funniest commentators who get so bored during the slow stretches and still have to write something. Here's a classic from the 13th over of this match:

"13th over: South Africa: 67-1 (Smith 41 Kallis 24) So in this B movie autobigraphy of my life as an OBO writer, who'll be playing me? Adopt your best trailer voice and try this for size: "He was a proud man, who compromised his personal tastes for his professional ideals". I'm going for Sean Penn, with Vin Diesel as Jacques Kallis and Bob Hoskins as Smyth. Smith meanwhile, steps away to leg and squats as he swats Vaas way away for six over long-off. The first six at this ground, and a really bolshy shot to a man bowling as well as Vaas has been. "

Lastly, as Bill Clinton said "we are defined as much by the opportunities we have lost, as those we have gained".

how I feel.

broke

my phone bill for last month was USD 536.

I am officially broke-r than a churchmouse

one old one new

And two quotes that made me think, one old and one new

"Education is not the filling of a pail, but the lighting of a fire"- William Butler Yeats

"Do what you can, when you can, where you are, with all you have"- a 12 year old black Zimbabwean boy who died shortly thereafter of AIDS.

babri masjid

If you are late for work in Bombay, and reach the station just as the train is leaving the platform, you can run up to the packed compartments and you will find many hands stretching out to grab you on board, unfolding outward from the train like petals. As you run alongside you will be picked up, and some tiny space will be made for your feet on the edge of the open doorway. The rest is up to you; you will probably have to hang on to the door frame with your fingertips, being careful not to lean out too far lest you get decapitated by a pole placed close to the tracks. But consider what has happened, your fellow passengers, already packed tighter than cattle are legally allowed to be, their shirts drenched with sweat in the badly ventilated compartment, having stood like this for hours, retain an empathy for you, know that your boss might yell at you or cut your pay if you miss the train and will make space where none exists to take one more person with them. And at the moment of contact, they do not know if the hand that is reaching for theirs belongs to a Hindu or Muslim or Christian or Brahmin or untouchable or whether you were born in this city or arrived only this morning or whether you live in Malabar Hill or Jogeshwari; whether you’re from Bombay or Mumbai or New York. All they know is that you’re trying to get to the city of gold and that’s enough. Come on board, they say. We’ll adjust

From “Mumbai”, Granta 57 by Sukutu Mehta and Sebastian Salgado- on the Babri Masjid riots in Bombay.

what we lost

What we lost

The interior love poem
the deeper levels of the self

dates when the abandonment
of certain principles occurred

The role of courtesy-how to enter
a forest, how to touch
a master's feet before lesson or performance

The art of the drum. The art of eye-painting
How to cut an arrow. Gestures between lovers.
The pattern of teeth marks on skin
drawn by a monk from memory

The limits of betrayal. The five ways
a lover could mock an ex-lover

The skill in tentative messages
which included yes and no
but never the direct maybe

Nine finger and eye gestures
to signal key emotions

The small boats of solitude

Lyrics that rose
from love
back into air

naked with guile
and praise

Our works and days

We knew how monsoons
(south-west, north-east)
would govern behaviour

and when to discover
the knowledge of the dead

hidden in clouds
in rivers, in unbroken rock

All this was burnt

or traded for power and wealth
from the eight compass points of vengeance

from the two levels of envy

by michael ondaatje

snow

Apparently my head nods, with simple harmonic motion. It's a Sri Lankan thing I'm told.

More snow, about 20 inches over the last two days and the world is gleaming white. What I do like is skidding about in the powder, packing it into hard crunchy balls and dumping it down someone's front.

So much snow that the skylight above the library is permanently clouded.

doofus

Men are such doofuses. I honestly can't think of a single man I know whom I haven't at one point gone, you're honestly the dumbest thing since peanut butter. This week especially, has been one resounding clarion call. If the species did not have to propagate itself, why then all men would be doorposts.

nb. this is not saying that men are bastards, which is also true but not relevant here. This post just refers to the 'doofus' quotient that all men are born with.

back then

There was an unseasonably warm front in today, and in a freak occurrence it is 20 deg Celsius, versus -20 just exactly one week ago. My body doesn't know what's happening to it, but it unaccountably lifted my spirits up. I feel like a better person. I am a better person when it is 20 deg Celsius. Am in my favourite faux-Moroccan coffeehouse right now typing away and it feels like I am in Paris, with persian carpets underneath me, and a wrought-iron balcony beside which my table sits, aflow with cigarette butts (not mine) and a large steaming cappucino. Just spent the last 3 hours with a dear friend, who I had thought I had lost, but it seems that no words are needed to apologize, and there is instant acceptance and a long-lost recognition that we were quite simply, friends before this birth, and probably after it. There are moments of recognition that leap across all preconceived notions and conceptions and it makes life worthwhile to realize that unexpected progressions can be made. We talked about mountainous communities and the challenges they face, those living on the steppes of Central Asia, romantic in writing but brutal in reality. Talked also about intelligence and how institutions in our life made us always feel that to be mediocre would be worse than death, but in fact growing up, one realized that mediocrity was in fact just fine. Talked also about the influence of parents, and that it was quite okay to make decisions to make them happy, even at the cost of some uncomfortability for one at the present. As for intelligence, I would rather be mediocre and happy than un-mediocre (what is that anyway) and unhappy. And then there were promises of classical music, the symphony orchestra, long ice-cream filled walks through the Common, promises of napping in the sun with half-read Russian authors, hair always smelling like spring. Filled again with an irrational exuberance for life, which even though it might dissipate tomorrow, is here today and I am reminded as always of that obvious but always poignant quote "Back then, I thought there would be other days. I didn't realize that it was the only day". Oh, life, London and this moment of June.

summer

The hilarious thing about being here is the summer is approaching fast and there is the usual overachiever nervousness pervading the school about summer opportunities and how to make the best of it. There is an extraordinary diversity of recruiting here. Unlike England, American universities do their best to remove any student effort from recruiting, all you pretty much have to do is to turn up. But the best thing is as campaign season hots up, all the Democratic candidate 'exploratory committees for President" are recruiting and first years have to make that difficult choice between working for Obama and Clinton! (and of course everyone knows that campaign jobs translate into White House jobs given a large dose of uncertainty of course) but nevertheless it is exciting to be around this atmosphere. Initially I wanted to come to policy school to become Josh Lyman, but the fantasy has taken a backseat to the reality of development which I am far more interested in (and also I'm not convinced of the electability of Obama, the only candidate I would work with and I'm also a tad risk averse) and so I will be spending the summer in the rural wilds of Tamil Nadu, India and I can't wait!

mandela

Our deepest fear
is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear
is that we are
powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness,
that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, talented and fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small doesn't serve this world.

There's nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God
that is within us;
It is not just in some of us - it's in everyone
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people
permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others

Nelson Mandela, Inaugural Speech

the life of a graduate student

The Life of a Graduate Student

Alarm goes off at 7:30am. Flail wildly to hit the damn thing off. Fall out of bed, stagger into the bathroom. Spend long time examining toes on the toilet seat. Stare into mirror. Note bags under eyes expanding slowly. Hair unkempt. Shove toothbrush into my mouth while pondering the latest dilemma on Grey’s Anatomy. Is Addison to be pitied or hated? Secretly acknowledge that want to be Addison. Shower briefly. As housemate said, the only thing I achieve with any regularity every day is keeping my ass clean.

Emerge from bathroom clean if not exactly shiny. Walk from bathroom to room seems like an arctic corridor. Its -15 deg Celsius outside. Wash one bowl in the overflowing sink harrumphing at slovenliness of housemates (including me). Pour whatever cereal there is from multiple boxes. Milk is slightly off but decide not to think about it. Chow down in 4 minutes flat. Open door to room. Now that I can see properly (without haze of sleep blinding me), my room has been the victim of a nuclear holocaust. Luckily I wasn’t there while it happened, or else I might be dead.

Head out door 8am. Head down to avoid the gigantic sheet of ice that has formed outside house and leads all the way to the train station. Descend 20 storeys into train station. As usual on my train, there’s Alfie, the drunk guy who catches the same train every day and has the same things to say: Clinton is a pervert! Thank God we have Bush in da House!. I look at the ads in the train. Someone will pay 200 dollars to me if they can study my sleep habits for a month.

8:37am Arrive at school. Race to get a coffee jostling the 100 other sleepy-eyed students trying to get a coffee before first class. Hah! They don’t call me Singaporean for nothing! Get coffee, inhale deeply and race into class. As usual professor is on time, looking as though he has been up for hours, which in fact, he has. Bust out the laptop and check email. Nothing from my friends! Losers! How do they deserve friend status if they can’t even email me! Check the popular news and blog sites. Ponder what I am going to do over the summer. Check briefly what lecturer is talking about. Oh right the F test which tests for joint significance of variables in a multivariate regression ruling out heteroskedasticity. I have no idea what this means. I also fail to understand why a word such as heteroskedasticity exists in the English language. Professor mentions that we have a test next week. I sit up! A test! How come no one told me about this before? Deeply resent the lack of notice until friend tells me everyone knew about it 2 months ago. If I had attended class I might have known.

Finally the class, which seems interminable is over. It’s my first and last class for the day. Its 10am. And my day has just started, once the pesky classes are over.

Oh the life of a graduate student.

temp.

We had a high of -10 celsius and a low of -25 celsius. I could not stay outside for more than 20 minutes and it felt as though my legs were branches of ice and all I could feel was pain. They really weren't kidding about the weather.

conference

The conference went off seamlessly and I am so very proud of all the panels and panelists that ended up. Topics discussed (which ranged over 20 panels) : food aid vs. cash aid in complex emergencies, corporate social responsibility and climate change (headed by an evangelical reverend that unexpectedly stole the show), making people care (not whether they do but how to translate that into hard action), global health (enabling cheaper drugs to Africa and Merck was represented), microfinance practitioners (how to have an equity injection in an microfinance asset-building model) to name a few. Although I was literally running around all day (including a gasp-inducing moment when we thought our moderator was unavailable and d and I were frantically googling microfinance thinking we had to moderate the damn thing ourselves) and shuttling people to and fro, and packing a 1000 gift bags (the conference is entirely student run- and we fundraised approx 70,000 dollars in hard cash and inkind contributions- an amount that a standard nonprofit would have been proud of!) and we were sold out, and handling dan doctoroff (deputy mayor of New York who was our keynote), and falling in love with the social enterprise movement and making a difference in our world, all over again.

walking away.

Sometimes moments align themselves perfectly, irrevocably, and an excellent time is had by all. Had dinner last night with an emergency response crew of 3, hard-living, die-hard, hard-drinking, hard-cussing men and women who have seen the worst of this world, the arbitrariness, the brutality, the poverty, the deaths that hurricanes, tsunamis, earthquakes, conflict, genocides, wars, and still have enormous compassion and passion for the people and the work they had to do. One of them was telling me about how he was on a mission in Rwandas, when the Tutsis were murdering Hutus, and 600 children had been taken to a refugee camp, and a Reuters reporter was there. The children were mute, distressed, unable to speak, eyes hollow in their faces, and this reporter was poking this child with a stick, trying to make her cry so that he could have a photo and the friend was telling me how he literally punched him and stamped on his camera and walked away and then got bollocked later on. Through much whiskey, tobacco and wine, stories of suffering and more importantly of hope were exchanged, and I came away with renewed respect for these men and women who fight everyday, unknown battles to the most of us, sacrificing every chance they have for a normal life and a normal relationship, simply because they cannot walk away.

tired.

So apparently it has all seemed to come together at the last moment and now I am truly exhausted with exams on Friday and me not having opened a single book yet or having only attended 50% of classes. The conference, www.socialenterpriseclub.com/conference/ is sold out and we have a 1000 people coming, with over 70 speakers and 20 professors moderating all the panels. It is quite possibly the largest event I have ever been involved with. At the same time, other things are percolating. I was very rude to someone that I should have been rude to, but did not quite need to be rude to, i can't help it- he inspires rudeness in me, just as I inspire philosophy in him. Also, I am about to spend the summer in the rural wilds of India, possibly fieldworking with women to investigate poverty and microfinance issues. I will be doing research with this guy- a hotshot economic star, and one of the most brilliant minds of his generation (http://www.forbes.com/forbes/2005/1017/071_print.html) this isn't me talking, google him and you'll see). Our housing plan in Sri Lanka is slowly coming to fruition with some exciting leads/board members/investors coming together. the film project is also coalescing with WITNESS http://www.witness.org finally getting on board and definitely more exciting stuff. Finally a microfinance professor agreed to collaborate on writing a case, so if it all comes together I'll be writing a case on ICICI, fieldworking in rural India, and shooting in Sri Lanka in 15 weeks. That is, if I survive the rest of the semester. London in 3 weeks! Hallelujah. I am exhausted.

ghosts

"She pushed the sheet down to the foot of the bed and lay there in the darkened room, facing the waves of air. The island no longer held her by the past. She'd spent the fifteen years since ignoring that early celebrity. Anil had read documents and news reports, full of tragedy, and she had now lived abroad long enough to interpret Sri Lanka with a long-distance gaze. But here it was a more complicated world morally. The streets were still streets, the citizens remained citizens. They shopped, changed jobs, laughed. Yet the darkest Greek tragedies were innocent compared with what was happening here. Heads on stakes. Skeletons dug out of a cocoa pit in Matale. At university Anil had translated lines from Archilochus — In the hospitality of war we left them their dead to remember us by. But here there was no such gesture to the families of the dead, not even the information of who the enemy was. " excerpt from anil's ghost

it's true. it's all so heartbreakingly true.